This Isn't Love
by SmilesLasting
Summary: This isn't love, she always thought. But perhaps it was only a matter of time until their story began to take on the form of an unfinished love letter. Tragic Jiraiya/Tsunade, evolved from canon. One-shot.


[A/N] Lately all I write is sasusaku, so I decided it's time to focus on another pairing that doesn't get quite enough love from me. Enjoy.

* * *

She's heard about him before. A clown, an idiot, the most perverted genin in the village. But she is Tsunade, the granddaughter of the Hokage, and it won't do to make negative assumptions before she actually meets the person. After all, he is going to part of the four-man team she meets today and will work with for several years.

Surely it's better to think kindly of him, than to have have bad expectations and ruin their relationship from the very start, she thinks to herself with a nod, so she heads to the meeting place with a bright smile on her lips.

But that smile quickly disappears as her temper snaps within moments of first meeting the white-haired boy.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Jiraiya! Don't worry, you can give me a love letter later," he tells her brightly, and has the gall to grin at her cheekily.

He's sent flying approximately 0.75 seconds later, and Tsunade watches him go with a dark gleam in her eye, her fist still clenched tight. The jounin and the other sharp-eyed teammate that have yet to introduce themselves follow his projection into the air with their eyes, then turn sharp glances at her. But she doesn't notice their fearful gazes in her anger. She thinks to herself that she would never write a love letter for an idiot like him, not even if he begs her on his knees or makes it his death wish.

Because there is no way she will ever love Jiraiya.

—

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**This Isn't Love**

a jiratsun fic by smileslasting

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—

"Go out with me!"

"No way in hell!"

It's a typical greeting for the boisterous pair of teammates. Tsunade continues down the road, her high ponytail swaying in time with her hips, as Jiraiya sails in the air towards the other direction. It's not until she's gone an appropriate distance of about ten feet to express her indifference that she glances back.

"Dammit, you'll definitely fall in love with me and we'll go on a date someday!" he wails, as he makes impact with the ground.

"In your dreams," she says with a little teasing wave, a flow of delicate fingers, and she flashes a mischievous smirk. "As if I'd ever go out with a guy who isn't a better ninja than me!" With that, she snaps her head back to center and saucily walks away. She's still a child, so she hasn't much in her hips, but it's the attitude that counts here. Of course she hasn't any curves; she's hasn't even reached her double digits. This only affirms that her teammate is a hopeless idiot.

Jiraiya sighs to himself. He doesn't climb to his feet, but remains on the ground, watching her go.

Tsunade pretends not to notice his depression and continues to walk away.

—

"Jiraiya, weren't you supposed to win?" Tsunade asks. She jingles the bell in her hand. "You're all tied up to the log!"

"Argh!" he yells, struggling to break loose of the ropes. "Shut up, you flat-chested bitch!"

His insulting words knock her grin off her face. She yanks the front of his shirt and brings her angry scowl close to his face. "_What_ did you say, you perverted lecher?!" Her eyes have murderous intent all over them.

Hiruzen separates them half-heartedly, knowing his words haven't much influence. "Hey, hey, that's enough..."

Thankfully, Tsunade pulls away. The sunlight shines on her dark lashes and makes her hazel eyes twinkle, and Jiraiya doesn't fail to notice this particular fact. "Whatever," she says, and turns around. As she saunters away, she glances over her shoulder to call out a sugary sweet, "Bye~" that sends chills down Jiraiya's spine and makes his eyebrow twitch.

He's reminded, again, that the Princess may be pretty, but she's got a hell of an attitude to deal with.

Their jounin sensei shakes his head, tired. There is momentary peace. But then Orochimaru sighs, wearing an amused smirk that sets off Jiraiya's temper once again, and the temporary peace is disrupted with a cry of "What the hell you sighing for, you bastard!"

"Don't you have any pride as a man? Letting Tsunade beat you like that..."

"Shut up!" Jiraiya cries, the words like a dagger. "SHUT UP, you asshole! Just you wait! I'm going to the greatest ninja you've ever seen someday! And I'm definitely gonna be better than Tsunade, and you on top of that! And you're both gonna watch hopelessly as I climb to the very top, and then you're gonna worship me!"

"Calm down, Jiraiya," says the monkey-like jounin. But his plea is unheard.

"You'll see—I'm gonna be someone great someday, a hero of the village! And you'll be a no-good loser snake with nobody left on your side because of that know-it-all attitude you always push onto people!"

"Why are you so angry?" Orochimaru asks, the dark eyes narrowing. "You're extra emotional today... although you've always been a wimp. Is it specifically because you lost to Tsunade?"

Jiraiya lets out a animal-like roar. "Like hell I'll tell you!"

"So that's it," the other boy remarks. "Still caught up that she's a better ninja than you? How foolish. But even if you become great, I'm certain you'll never win her heart. Why?" Orochimaru turns to meet Jiraiya's dark gaze, the reptilian eyes cruel and taunting. "Because you're a failure in all regards."

Jiraiya breaks free of the ropes.

Later, Hiruzen scolds him for fighting with his teammate—although Orochimaru came off unscathed—and for falling for the same rope trick twice. "You need to think before you act," he says, but both know the words don't mean much right now. So instead the jounin ruffles Jiraiya's unruly white hair, cuts him free with a kunai, and murmurs, "One cannot win a woman's heart by acting like a child, you know."

"I know that," Jiraiya says, holding his bruised cheek, "but even if I act like a man, she'll never look my way."

"Then become more than a man," replies his sensei, "and become a hero."

Jiraiya sighs. "It's not easy to become hero, you know."

"But it's never easy to win a woman's heart, either." Hiruzen smiles.

"I guess," says Jiraiya, and doesn't think much of it.

—

Tsunade continues to reject him over and over, but each time Jiraiya simply proclaims he'll be a hero someday that'll snatch her heart right up.

"Yeah, right!" she always retorts. "How about you become a hero first, and then try to ask me out?"

"Just you wait, Tsunade," he always says right back, without missing a beat, and he'll flash that goofy grin that makes her heart feel warm.

His jocularity is contagious, which is why it's hard to take him seriously sometimes. He likes to say a lot of impressive things, but there's not much to back them up. He'll be a hero someday? He'll snatch her heart right up?

But sometimes, secretly, she thinks that wouldn't be so bad.

—

"It's better if you don't look at the body."

"What does it matter? She won't be able to recognize him anyway..."

"That's enough, Orochimaru!"

"We're in the middle of a war. It's always been the ninja way. There were no doctors... but children these days get taken so easily, even the day after getting their birthday present..."

—

He wants to comfort her.

Really, he does. To the point his heart hurts. To the point he asks Hiruzen and anybody else close to her to please, please talk to her and make sure she's okay. To the point he can't sleep at night, as he goes over simulations in his head repeatedly, trying to find the perfect words to say.

_I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Tsunade. ____I can't believe you had to endure that kind of pain. __I wish it had been me instead. __Please don't cry. __I love you._

But his feelings aren't the words that she needs to hear. The reality is that he doesn't know what it's like to have your little brother killed. So instead, he hides behind a pillar. He hates himself for being so useless. His fingers clench into tight fists and his heart breaks as he listens to the woman he loves cry.

—

"Whoa, Tsunade, did your jugs get even big—"

Her fingertip makes contact with his chest and suddenly he's airborne, with a sharp pain where she hit him with her chakra-laden flick. She watches him fly with satisfaction. He never learns his lesson.

Since Nawaki died, there's been a kind of distance between them. In fact, this is the first time she's seen him since then, and the first thing he does is make a comment about her breasts, the kind of misogynistic behavior he knows she can't stand. She'd been hoping he might say something, well, comforting to her. A kind word or two. It didn't need to be anything amazing or unique, just something, anything, to show that he cared about her.

But no. Instead, he makes a rude comment about her figure, effectively smashing all hope she might have held.

"A future hero, indeed," she murmurs sarcastically, then turns on her heel and walks away, her heart feeling immensely unsettled and just a tiny bit broken.

—

"You're an idiot."

Jiraiya sulks. "Oh, shut up and heal me."

"Speak to me like that and I won't anymore," replies Tsunade, and she flicks his forehead so hard that his head tips back and he's suddenly gazing at the cloudy sky.

"Argh! Was that necessary?!" He jerks his head up and to the side to shoot her a glare.

"Yes." She's smirking. "Very much so."

"What if you broke my mind, Tsunade? You've already broken my heart."

"Stop joking around," she says. Then she slaps his now healed arm and says, "All done," before he can give a retort.

"Thanks." He looks at her. They're sitting next to each other, so it's easy to look at every detail. Dirt and blood mars her pretty face, and she smells strongly of sweat and mildly of medicine, but she's still so beautiful. He reaches over and picks out a piece of grass tucked into her hair.

"What was that for?" she asks, and blinks her hazel eyes.

"When this war is over," Jiraiya says slowly, "go on a date with me." He needs to tell her—he needs to tell her that he isn't good enough, that he's not able to comfort her the way he wants when she's sad, like when Nawaki died—but, he will do everything and anything he can to protect her from any future harm, if only she'll accept him.

She looks at him, and smirks. "Fine. Sure."

"Eh?!" He leans toward her, his palms pressing into the ground as he gapes. "Really?!"

Tsunade shrugs. "Might as well. Then you can finally stop asking me, right? Plus, maybe this'll give you some more motivation to stay alive."

He grins broadly. "That's right. Now I have something to survive this war for!"

They share a smile, and their surroundings seem to momentarily fade out. Jiraiya can't tear his eyes away; Tsunade is sparkling.

"If you're all healed up, then let's get going!" calls another member of their platoon, interrupting the little moment. "This war won't end with us just sitting around. Remember we're on a mission!"

"Yes, sir!" the two call out in unison, and climb to their feet.

Jiraiya can't wait until the war is over.

—

It's not like he's serious about the date. He just wants her body, a chance to explore their sexual compatibility and nothing more; his lewd comments make that obvious. That's why Tsunade accepts—so that she can totally slam him down. He needs to stop messing with her, because she refuses to let him play around with her feelings and trust any longer.

Once upon a time, she may have believed he could truly snatch up her heart. But once upon a time does not mean forever. She can't pretend to live a fairytale any longer. After all, she is a kunoichi.

—

"You guys go on ahead."

Maybe those words have doomed him, Jiraiya wonders as he sits in the dark, listening to the soft breathing of the three kids beside him. He decided to stay here in Amegakure, and will likely remain for years to take care of these children... but that means he will not be returning to Konoha for some time.

The date with Tsunade will have to wait.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" asks a small voice, and Jiraiya glances over to meet the dark eyes of Konan, the little girl. Nagato and Yahiko are soundly asleep.

"I'm thinking about someone very dear to me," he replies with a soft smile.

Her large eyes are curious. "Who?"

"The woman I love."

"Wow," she breathes in admiration. "I bet she's very beautiful."

"She was the woman I was with when I decided to come with you guys," he says.

Konan let out a little gasp. "Is it okay that you're here, and not with her?"

He grins at her. "What, are you scared I'm gonna abandon you guys? I made the decision to stay here, and I'm going to stick to that decision." He lies down and closes his eyes. "Sometimes you have to put a standstill on romance to focus on more important things."

"But... what if she falls in love with somebody else?"

He chuckles. "Well, see, I'm going to be a hero someday, and I'll snatch her heart right back."

"You have a lot of confidence, don't you?"

"A man needs confidence if he wants to get anywhere! Now, go to sleep, Konan."

"All right..."

As the child's breathing slows, Jiraiya ponders for a while longer. He _is_ confident. He's confident she won't fall for anyone... she's too hard-headed and stubborn... that Tsunade-hime... besides, he loves her more than any other man ever could...

And finally, he drifts off to sleep.

—

He becomes a writer. Nagato inspires his first novel, and its his personal masterpiece... for the public eye. For his personal life, though, he's writing a love letter. It's a poetic little thing, comparing her to flowers and stars and the dawn of a new day, and he's not sure when it's going to be finished. But when it's complete, he knows it'll be beautiful.

—

Tsunade finds her heart thudding when she takes hold of her necklace, the memento of her little brother, and even more as she presses her lips against the man's forehead.

She pulls the necklace off over her head and holds it out to him. "This... please accept it."

She's fallen head over heels for Katou Dan, hard and fast and suddenly, and she doesn't think she ever wants to climb up again.

—

When Jiraiya returns to Konoha, he only has one destination in mind: the hospital. "Tsunade!" he shouts in greeting when he finds her on the roof. There's someone else with her, but he doesn't really pay much attention; blond hair and hazel eyes and those dark, dark lashes preoccupy his focus.

"You're finally back, huh?" she remarks, and she flashes a smile.

It's so sincere that it's dazzling. He opens his mouth, to ask her—

"Jiraiya-san, is it? Hello. I'm Dan... Tsunade's... um..."

"Boyfriend," she finishes for the light-haired stranger.

—and he shuts it again, his words (_So I know the war isn't over yet, but why don't we talk about that date?_)_, _unable to manifest. "Oh," is all he thinks of to say. His brain isn't quite working.

"That's it?" Tsunade laughs. "What, so shocked that I found myself a man?"

"That's not it," Jiraiya says, too quickly, and he realizes he needs to run far, far away. "Er, I wish you two the best. Well, I gotta go greet Hiruzen-sensei now. Nice to have met you... Dan."

Dan smiles at him. He's a handsome guy, with a gentleness to him that's tangible. "The same to you. I'm lucky to have met another of the 'Legendary Sannin'."

"That name is so embarrassing," Tsunade mutters, pressing a hand on Dan's shoulder.

The gesture is so unlike anything she's ever done to Jiraiya that he feels like he has trespassed onto an extremely intimate moment. So he flees without looking back.

—

Tsunade disappears, leaving behind Konoha and the memories it holds of Nawaki and Dan, now both dead, taking along with her Dan's niece and a newfound fear of blood. But Jiraiya refuses to completely let her go, even if that's what she wants. Jiraiya keeps tabs on her during his own travels, and it's not hard; she is well-known as the Legendary Sucker.

He wants to see her, but he needs a reason to do that. He wants to save her from her pain, but what can he do? Nothing, nothing at all, just like the time Nawaki died.

But he's given the golden opportunity when the elders approach him with a proposition of becoming Hokage, and he knows what he needs to do.

"I'll bring back Tsunade-hime to become the next Hokage," he tells the two elders. "However, there is one person I'd like to accompany me..."

—

At the time, he had the intention to kill Tsunade if he must. But deep down inside, he had faith in her that she wouldn't dig so low to help Orochimaru. She was lying to herself that she didn't love the village anymore; that place is where she met her most precious people. There is no way that the sacrifice of her two most beloved people would be worth giving up just to see them again.

Tsunade isn't stupid. The dead are dead. But _she_ lives, and Jiraiya wants to her to use that life for something greater than addictions and self-hatred. And, according to his plan, Naruto has convinced her with his gentle magic.

Jiraiya watches on with a peaceful smile Tsunade gives Naruto a kiss on the forehead. That honesty and straightforwardness, Jiraiya thinks, is something he always wanted. Everything seems to come full circle in this way. To him, Naruto is the man he could never be, fulfilling all his shortcomings; somehow, seeing Tsunade accept and acknowledge Naruto, his pupil, Jiraiya feels forgiven. That's why he'll protect Naruto with his life; Naruto is his legacy, everything good that Jiraiya admires, and by believing in Naruto, he'll protect Tsunade, as well.

It's a secret, though, that he's protecting Tsunade for his own personal reasons. It's not because she's Hokage, he doesn't really give a damn about that, but because he, begrudgingly, still loves her. (He can't do anything about it now; his heart is too stubborn.) But never again will he ask her to give him a chance.

He lost that privilege forever when he realized he will never be someone that Tsunade truly loves.

—

When Tsunade becomes the Hokage, Jiraiya becomes something like her right-hand man. He gathers intel and challenges her in a healthy way, and sometimes they go out for drinks together. It's during these times they can talk without inhibition. That's why Jiraiya likes to drink when he converses with his old teammate; it loosens him up, and he doesn't feel so inhibited, and Tsunade doesn't mind because then, that emotional shield he always wears comes down a little bit.

In fact, she really loves those times. She feels so free and comfortable around Jiraiya.

Of course, he's still a perverted lecher. But when he's pouring her sake with that goofy grin, she knows that she's come to accept him and acknowledge him as a powerful friend. He's a man, now, and surely he has been for several years; she's just failed to notice, so caught up in the past as she has been. But she's willing to look towards the future now, and believe in the present. Her heart is beginning to open once again.

She takes the cup that Jiraiya has filled and takes it down in one shot, and then asks him sweetly for another. For some reason, the sake tastes extra delicious today.

—

They sit on a bench outside, inebriated with sake, and their words flow honestly.

"You're going up against someone who's strong enough to keep Akatsuki in line. We don't know what kind of power he has... and you're just going to walk right onto his turf." Her voice is concerned.

"That's right," he says, and starts to rise onto his feet. "I guess I better get going."

There's a slight pause, and then comes the words that strike at his heart in a painful, yet glorious way: "Come back alive..."

He turns to stare at her, unable to form words.

She isn't looking at him, her eyes somewhat distant. "If I lose you, too, I..."

He doesn't like her expression. He doesn't like how she's thinking about Nawaki and Dan. Again, and again, she focuses so much on the dead instead of who's breathing and alive, and he becomes a little bit cruel. "Are you gonna cry for me?" He barks out a laugh. "I'm honored! But I won't get as many tears as Dan did, huh?"

It's self-hatred, though. He doesn't really want to hurt Tsunade; he's just an immature brat, as he's always been.

"Asshole," she says.

He tries to fix it, tries to fix the hurt he just caused her. She was concerned for him and he turned it around to bite her, and he's sorry. "Alright, how about we put your betting skills to use? Gamble everything on me dying. You always pick the losing bet..." He smiles wryly to himself. "And in return, I'll come back alive and well."

"What..."

"I'm just kidding, just kidding!" he says, barking out more laughter, trying to cheer her up. "I'm very grateful to you, you know."

She looks confused, so he holds up one of his novels.

"Getting dumped always makes a man stronger, you know. And if he hasn't experienced it enough to be able to laugh and crack jokes about it, or use it as material, he can't fulfill his duties as a man."

Tsunade takes a moment to respond. "So being strong is the man's duty, huh?"

"Pretty much. But then again..." He smiles at her. "Men aren't meant to pursue happiness."

—

"Jiraiya is dead."

When Tsunade sees the expression Naruto makes when he hears the news, like he's been burned and torn and shattered, she almost loses control. She knows so well how he feels that it's painful to even look at him. So when he flees the room, she doesn't send anybody to chase after him.

He is loved. There are people who will talk to him, but he needs time.

He's young.

He's alive.

He can get through this.

—

"Shikamaru... please..."

Tsunade continues to walk until she can't hear Sakura or Shikamaru's voices in her office anymore. She leans against the wall, the side of her head pressed against the cool cement, and she closes her eyes, taking the moment to breathe. She focused on her work all day, relentlessly going and going ceaselessly, without any breaks, in order to keep her mind off what happened as best she could. But everything's shattering now, and her self-control dissipates.

"You stupid man...!" She cannot stop the tears. She's shaken. Angry.

Lonely.

_Actually, Tsunade, I wrote a love letter to you once. But it's unfinished. You know why?_

_...Why?_

_Because our story isn't over._

Her heart feels like it's been ripped out of her chest, bleeding. It physically hurts, and her breathing becomes shallow as she tries to accept that she's lost the third man who was important to her. Their story is a tragedy now, like that unfinished love letter, and she hates it so much she can't stand it. She grips at her hurting heart, and cries for the hero that has died.

This isn't love, but maybe it could have been.


End file.
